im losing it. god help me. i want it back. :(
my headache doesn’t do nearly as much damage as my heart. my best friend moved into state a couple weeks ago, and things have been so busy and hectic. i care for her deeply, and she’s staying in our house until she gets a job. but she’s falling in love with my boyfriend. and i don’t what part of that whole situation hurts worse. the fact she’s so open to telling me about it or the fact that when we’re alone, he tells me that she’s absolutely amazing. i’m not used to this. our whole relationship people have only ever said that i was too good for him, that he was an idiot and i should dump him. i never thought any of those things about him were true, but it gave me more confidence when i thought i would be the only person in the world to see how wonderful he is. and now suddenly i’m not. what’s worse is that she’s always been prettier, thinner, smarter, and more charismatic than me. we both crushed on the same boys in high school and they all chose her for previously aforementioned reasons. oh my god, i feel like dying.
they’ve both been job hunting together, so they spend almost every waking moment together. today they were planning their next outing and i ended up crying my eyes out when i realized he hadn’t even so much as looked at me in four hours. instead he’s been down in her room. i know he’s not doing anything with her, because neither of them are those types of people: but just the thought alone brings me to complete agony. i’ve fasted all day and yesterday and still feel absolutely terrible. by now i should be happy and accomplished, but instead i feel like the stick you use to scrape shit off your trainers. i’ve been in bed all day and the only time he’s come to check on me is to say he missed me. i can’t tell if he’s serious or if it was just because he was feeling hard. and honestly, i’m leaning toward the latter considering he left immediately after i denied him. thanks for showing me that she doesn’t matter.
i brought up the fact i noticed him staring at her chest the other day and he laughed it off. said he’d only done it cause her shirt showed her cleavage and that if i wore my chest out like that, he wouldn’t have even given a second glance. except that i’ve seen him undress her with his eyes more than twice now. and now every moment he’s with me, he keeps himself distracted. the thirtieth was our anniversary and he spent most of the day talking to or about her. please, god, let it just be a phase. because i really let myself love him. i thought everything would be different.
okay.
tomorrow is my last day before starting my cleanse. wait, i should clarify. most people say cleanse and mean they’re only going to drink water or juice, or something weird like that. what i mean is that i’ll be cutting out anything/everything white, all starches (including potatoes), and cutting out meat, even fish. i’m switching fully to water and unsweetened tea, and i’m hoping to lose almost 200lbs before december. the hardest part for me, i know, is going to be upping my cardio everyday. because of my back pain, it’s difficult to exercise. besides that, i know i’ll be able to restrict myself. people should now swarm me with thinspo and inspirational sayings and some good cardio routines.
what can i say…
except that time passes and things change more than you realize. my whale of a sister broke the only surviving scale (it’s weight limit is 300lbs, and she’s knocking on the door of 400lbs). I didn’t even realize it, since it’s one of the older ones with the dial. This whole time it’s said I was 117kg, and i was really happy i was losing so much so fast. Stupid me, I should’ve known. I weighed in at the OB/GYN’s office. 126kg. what the fuck? It took everything in me to not cry right there. I bit my tongue, held my breathe, looked up so that the tears wouldn’t come. I weighed in again this last Monday and was down to 122kg, but it’s still unreasonably high. too high. I wanted to fast but lately my mother has been on this “eat now, eat this, eat that, what have you eaten today?” kick. Before I can even pee in the morning, she has me eating a ridiculously heavy breakfast. What else could I tell you about my recently? My step father deleted me off of his facebook. There was no fight, no argument, no notice. He just deleted me. I thought it would be fine since he focuses more on work anyway, he probably didnt want it to be so personal. Until I realized out of everyone on his friends list, even my little sister who talks openly about pot and booze, I was the only one deleted. I haven’t brought it up. Been too scared he knows something, been to scared he’d bring up the fact I’m fatter than most of those people. What else? He added two people last night to his facebook for everyone to know about. His ex wife and his alleged kid. Thanks daddy dearest, for making me even more desperate to die.
The only thing saving me right now is knowing Justin will be home, soon. He told me last night he was being completed today. With any luck, he’ll be home before the 14, but as long as he’s home before the 19, the day of my baby shower, i’ll be okay. Oh yeah, that too. Once again my mother has turned something about my favor into a sweet time for herself. For my eighteenth birthday, I just wanted to get everyone together and eat cake. Instead the neighborhood brought their kids and I ended up babysitting while they played games and ate cake. Thanks, mom. As for the baby shower, she has let me put in some decisions, with little to no effect. I told her I wanted it to be co-ed, so Justin could be there. And when she told me later that if it was co-ed, then their kids would have to come, I even told her I would rather it be just women then, she ignored me. She wrote up the invitations and I cried just because she always does this. She didn’t even put my name on the invitation, instead wrote “Sweet T”. Yes, because I want to be called a fatty drink that turns you diabetic. I don’t even like sweet tea, and she’s allowing people to call me stupid nicknames. Then, there, at the bottom, in black sharpie, she wrote,”this is family oriented with games, and treats!”. Yes, because this is exactly what every mother needs for a baby shower. I know i should be used to small children since I’m about to have one, but I’m tired of having everything that should be about me, turn into just a plain party for everyone else. Whatever. Monday I went to the doctor, and she couldn’t find his heartbeat. My whole world froze for what felt like an hour. She sent me to get an ultrasound that day, needed the results right away. I was so scared. And then, under the goop, there it was, strong and fast. I almost cried. The sonographer told me the doctor probably had a hard time because he was lying on his tummy. I felt so relieved. And then, there, on the monitor, he was looking straight at the doppler, with his fist in his mouth. He blinked and smiled, and avoided getting a picture taken. But just to see him, know that he’s still alive, that I haven’t killed him yet, makes me feel so happy.
What else could I possibly say? I haven’t been able to fast, but I’ll have a lucky chance soon enough. This month, we’ll finally have time/money to go to the March Madness crop, which is basically a twelve hour binge on scrapbooking. They serve you meals there, but it will give me an excuse to not eat. And, as a super plus, I’ll be able to put together the baby book i’ve been wanting to make. I already have one all about my son for after he’s born, but I really wanted to capture the memories of my pregnancy. So I’m making a separate book that will have information like “baby’s first movement” and things like that. It will also be good to get out of the house. I really need that.
Well, i can’t think of anything else to say. It’s too early, and I’m going to try to get back to sleep. Lisa will be here soon to work on baby shower details and I’ll have to be up for a little of that. Goodnight, everyone. Good luck, stay strong.
journey.
It’s intense. It’s a disaster, a mess, a monster. Nothing ever really prepares you for what it will be like. There’s no D.A.R.E. class that explains exactly how you’ll feel, no Race Against Drugs concert that explains that you won’t want to quit. Not until it’s too late. Not until it’s already taken full control over you.
(excerpt “Monster, Monster”)
snowed in today.
and though it seemed like a good excuse to skip lunch, i ended up eating an activia diet yogurt and a banana. lots of protein and fiber. as you’ve probably already read, i tried to weigh myself last night but found out my scale is broken. usually when i weigh, i try to weigh myself at least five times. last night every time i weighed myself, it said something different each time. i eventually found myself sitting on the side of the tub and bawling my eyes out. the last time i’d ever cried like that was when my pregnancy hormones were full blast. i told myself i would gain control of this. after ten years, all i’ve ever wanted was control. i told myself i would eat, just more healthy, and that i’d work out a little less since my doctor doesnt want me putting the baby under that kind of stress. still, i find myself in this same vicious circle of counting every carb and calorie, calculating how fast i could burn it off, and repeat.
what’s worse is now that we’re no longer snowed in: mom decided to order pizza. i wish i could say i will only eat one slice, but i already know that as soon as no one is watching i’ll end up eating everything in sight. what the hell is wrong with me? why does it feel like i’m the only one with this terrible disease? i just can’t get a grip. it’s like i’m slowly fading, mentally. people see me and tell me how lucky i am to be fat, because then my bones don’t get sore and i can eat what i want. but if they only knew the half of it. if they only knew my bones hurt all the time because i’m not eating. if they only knew i can’t bring myself to eat anything good or whole. because the second i sink my teeth into it: i instantly enter this realm of panic and anxiety. they say i’m lucky to be fat, but if they read my journal, or saw the pictures taped to the inside of my closet door, or even just head that terrible voice in my head: they would realize that i’m not lucky at all. i’m just so sick, of everything.
i’ve kept this blog for awhile now, and all i ever talk about is this. i can’t tell if it’s because it’s the only thing on my mind or if it’s because i can’t talk about it with anyone else. i wish i could. i wish someone could understand, even just a little. but no one really does. not anyone who i know in real life, anyways. sure, i have online friends who are struggling the same as me, who fight with themselves over their worth. but no one in real life would even believe me. i’m a plus size woman who obviously still has the ability to have children: so how in the hell could i have a ten year old eating disorder that’s destroying me completely? every time i try to tell someone i love, someone whom i am praying will understand: it’s like i’m lying. “it’s the hormones” they say. “it’s just a phase”. i’ve never heard of a phase where you hate yourself so much that you hate waking up. where you spend ten years starving yourself as much as humanly possible. i’ve never heard of a phase anything like this. even my therapist didn’t believe me. i was sixteen, and he thought i was just trying to be like other kids. i’m sorry, but anyone who wants this is crazy, and dumb. this hurts so much. and i don’t know which part is worse. the fact i’m in physical and emotional and mental pain all the time, or the fact that i’m still a disgusting ball of fat. just this giant ugly blob.
and i keep praying that i can fix this. that i can control, and still be beautiful. that no matter what, i will learn to hate myself less and less everyday. but everyday i wake up with hatred still in my heart, and this terrible pain in my chest, and this cruel voice in my head. and all i ever wanted was to be in control. to be perfect.
i cried all night cause my scale is broken.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
